May reading this make you feel less alone
I think the magnitude of the pandemic really hit me when an onslaught of emails and texts came through of cancellations of shows I planned to watch, friends I was going to see, events I was going to attend. People around me were losing their jobs, and I was only hoping that it wouldn't happen to me too. I was fortunate in that regard, and my online work remained intact. While this shift was happening, the shortages of groceries, the hoarding of toilet paper, and the devastation of many lives across the world due to COVID became a continuing reality. My brain was preparing itself for all sorts of scenarios. I checked my resources diligently. I gathered all the cans of food in my pantry and checked if I would be asked to leave the country -- all of it seemed to be happening all at once. What was wild, though, when I calmed down and looked up from all this, I realised only five days had passed. Little did I know almost two years would go by where the passage of time would feel increasingly weird.
I know it seems strange, but I think time went by but still felt so stagnant. It was hard to live in sometimes. I'm writing this 240+ days into lockdown -- Melbourne now being the longest locked-down city in the world. After my first five days of a frenzy feeling like it would never end (and it hasn't yet), but it did end.
After the first five days, there was something nice about being stuck at home all the time. I was baking, cleaning, organising. It started to set in a bit, though, when I began to notice how our apartment was feeling smaller and smaller. My partner and I have lived there for nearly three years now. Our collective lives were too much for this small, poorly ventilated, fully indoor warehouse apartment. We eventually moved between the small break that we had between lockdown one and two to a new house with another housemate. It had a backyard, and we were stoked, imagining all the barbecues and parties we could have. My birthday was coming up on the 9th of July and I was excited! The excitement didn't last though. Like most things in the year 2020-- it didn't work out. We were back in lockdown by midnight on the 9th of July.
The news was burgeoning with reports of how the disease moved. Every sneeze, cough or sniffle made me panic since the cases were climbing. My reflex every morning, when I woke up, was to look at the case/death numbers on Twitter. There really was no end in sight.
I remember my body and mind eventually feeling like static surrounded it to distort the experience of what was actually happening - and what was happening was nothing. Other than trying not to get sick and staying sane. In the moments of this static, there was some respite. Especially when we were transitioning into spring.
I knew I loved warm weather more so than winter, but only in this lockdown did I realise how much it affected my mind. On one particularly warm day after doing a bunch of gardening, I felt grateful. The sun was out, it was 4 pm. I had an ice-cold beer in hand – and I didn’t know what day it was, but I was still, and happy and grateful for the stillness. When else would I be okay not knowing what day it was and it not mattering while I was content? I couldn’t help but feel very lucky to find myself in that position.
The days got warmer and passed more pleasantly. There was still that haze though, the numbness of my mind. Deliberately trying not to feel any extreme emotion – positive or negative. I could control the positive emotions since nothing super great was happening and if something great was going to happen it was usually cancelled (at least that’s how it felt) The negative emotion was harder to process and keep under control. It showed itself in ways I can’t explain. Like once I just looked at my laptop and sobbed uncontrollably. Nothing was actually happening or going wrong but I couldn’t help it.
We eventually got out of lockdown and had some form of freedom to move about the city. Work and projects began picking up again and we were suddenly expected to be ‘on it’ like nothing happened? I started to miss lockdown. Being open for the first month or two felt like when you download a video from the internet, and when you play it the audio and video aren’t synced up. Like there’s a lag, where the video is going faster than the audio can even move. That was my brain, and my body in connection to the now open world.
This was obviously short-lived. We went in and out of lockdowns over the course of the year, right back into an indefinite one back in August. Now I couldn’t feel much. The haze returned stronger than ever. Our friends in different states were in lockdown too. We did a zoom call for drinks and trivia with some people in the ACT this lockdown and they came dressed up and so happy to play – meanwhile, our house was in their trackies despite there being a theme. My only thought about this was, the novelty of lockdown hasn’t worn off for them. They weren’t cynical yet.
I continue to not feel much. To a point now where I feel too detached, so I’m synthesising feeling emotion by drowning my brain in Y.A romance and fantasy books. Another strange phenomenon I’ve noticed is that I can never remember anything. When someone asks what I’ve been doing and I usually have no answer to that. My mind goes blank. Like I could talk about work and stuff but time has moved very strangely. So slow that I can’t clearly see timelines of my life’s happenings, or at least not in order. And now we are being let back out – something about being let out this time feels kind of final? I’m weary of it but also optimistic.
I think it’s wise to listen to yourself and what your body and mind may need and only ease out into real life at the pace that you feel comfortable with if you have the privilege to do so. I’m also going to do my best to be even more understanding than before. It’s okay if you want to cancel plans or even pretend that you’re still in lockdown for a bit longer. Look after your friends and family.
Hopefully, we don’t have to do this again – for a while at least.